More than 65 million Americans provide unpaid care for an aging family member, and roughly two-thirds of them are adult children caring for parents, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving. When multiple siblings are involved, arguments often break out over who handles doctor visits, pays bills, or stays overnight.
A 2022 study from the University of Michigan found that 40 percent of adult children reported serious conflict with siblings while managing parental care. The good news is that families who set clear roles and use written agreements cut their stress levels by half.
This column lays out proven ways to divide the work, track expenses, and keep peace at the kitchen table.
The Real Cost of Family Caregiving
The average family caregiver spends 24 hours per week on tasks for a parent, the AARP Public Policy Institute reported in 2023. That adds up to nearly 1,300 hours per year.
If valued at the average home health aide wage of $29 per hour, one person doing all the work contributes more than $37,000 of unpaid labor annually. When three siblings share the load equally, each invests about eight hours weekly.
The same AARP study found that 53 percent of caregivers cut back on their own work hours, leading to an average lost income of $12,400 per year per caregiver. Sibling arguments often center on money.
A 2021 National Poll on Healthy Aging showed that 61 percent of families never discuss how to split costs for items like wheelchair ramps or prescription copays before a crisis hits.
How to Hold the First Family Meeting
Schedule the meeting while both parents can still participate if possible. Pick a neutral location such as a sibling’s living room or a quiet restaurant. The University of Michigan study recommends limiting the first meeting to 90 minutes.
Start by listing every task: grocery shopping, medication management, transportation to medical appointments, house cleaning, bill paying, and emergency response. Assign each task a point value based on time and emotional difficulty.
For example, overnight stays count for four points while picking up prescriptions counts for one. The goal is to reach roughly equal total points for each sibling. Families that use this point system report 68 percent higher satisfaction with fairness, according to a 2020 Journal of Family Nursing article.
Creating a Written Care Agreement
Put the division of duties on paper. A simple one-page agreement should list who does what on which days, how expenses will be reimbursed, and how often the plan will be reviewed.
The National Council on Aging suggests including a clause that any sibling can call for a review every six months. Track shared expenses with a free app such as Splitwise or a shared Google Sheet.
In 2022, the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College found that families with written agreements were 55 percent less likely to end up in court over inheritance or care disputes later. Keep one copy with a trusted third party such as a family attorney or financial advisor.
Dividing the Hardest Tasks
The toughest jobs usually involve hands-on personal care and financial decisions. One sibling might handle all medical appointments and keep a shared health log in a notebook or app.
Another can manage banking and taxes using shared online access with view-only permissions where possible. A third might coordinate professional home care services. Data from the Family Caregiver Alliance shows that rotating the most stressful task every three months prevents burnout.
If one sibling lives closer, that person often takes on more hands-on work but should receive compensation from the estate or other siblings at a rate of $15 to $20 per hour, according to many state Medicaid programs that allow family caregiver payments.
Handling Money and Inheritance Fairly
Open a joint checking account funded equally by all siblings for out-of-pocket care expenses. Require two signatures for any withdrawal over $500. The IRS allows tax-free gifts up to $18,000 per person in 2025, so siblings can each contribute that amount annually without tax consequences if needed.
When parents own a house, decide early whether to sell it to pay for care or keep it. A 2023 survey by Caring.com found that 71 percent of families that discussed the house early avoided major fights.
If one sibling has provided the majority of care, many families adjust the final inheritance share by 10 to 20 percent to reflect that contribution, according to estate attorneys at the American Bar Association.
When One Sibling Refuses to Help
Roughly one in four families has at least one sibling who steps away completely, the National Alliance for Caregiving reports. Document every attempt to involve that person with dated emails or texts.
If the absent sibling later objects to how money was spent, courts generally side with the siblings who kept records. Some families create a formal caregiver contract and pay the active caregiver from the parent’s assets or through Medicaid programs in 46 states.
The remaining siblings should not guilt-trip or chase the absent one. Instead, focus on protecting the parent and their own well-being. Professional mediators from local Area Agencies on Aging can join a meeting for $150 to $300 and often resolve standoffs in one or two sessions.
Protecting Your Own Health and Marriage
Caregivers who share the load report 37 percent lower rates of depression than solo caregivers, according to a 2021 study in The Gerontologist. Set firm boundaries: no calls after 9 p.m. unless it is a true emergency.
Schedule your own doctor visits and keep at least one hobby. Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that caregivers who exercise 150 minutes per week lower their own risk of heart disease by 27 percent.
Talk openly with your spouse about the time commitment. Couples who set aside one date night per week report higher marital satisfaction even during intense caregiving years.
Sample Point System for Care Tasks
| Task | Points per Week | Who Might Do It |
|---|---|---|
| Doctor appointments and records | 4 | Sibling A |
| Grocery shopping and meals | 3 | Sibling B |
| Bill paying and banking | 3 | Sibling C |
| Overnight or weekend help | 4 | Rotated |
| House cleaning and laundry | 2 | Hired or Shared |
| Emergency contact and decisions | 2 | All siblings |
Sharing care for aging parents does not have to destroy family ties. Start with one meeting, create a written plan, and review it twice a year. Track every hour and dollar so fairness is clear to everyone.
When siblings divide the load using points or hours, stress drops and parents receive steadier help. Protect your own health and marriage by keeping some evenings free. If one brother or sister steps away, document your efforts and move forward.
Families that face this challenge with honesty and practical tools report stronger relationships years later. The kitchen table can still be a place for solutions instead of arguments.
Sources
- National Alliance for Caregiving, 'Caregiving in the U.S. 2020'
- AARP Public Policy Institute, 'Valuing the Invaluable 2023 Update'
- University of Michigan, 'Sibling Relationships and Elder Care Study (2022)'
- Journal of Family Nursing, 'Formalizing Family Care Agreements (2020)'
- Center for Retirement Research at Boston College, 'Family Conflict and Long-Term Care (2022)'
- Caring.com, 'Family Caregiving and Inheritance Survey (2023)'